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I am the Master of Timing

So, how'd you like that month of non-blogging? I didn't think I could do it, but it turned out to be not so difficult. Yay me! Now that that's out of the way, let me weave you a tale.

Four days a week, I eat Hot Pockets(R) for lunch (the fifth is usually Subway). I have a very specific routine:

1) Walk to break room

2) Grab Hot Pocket(R) and set microwave for 2 minutes

3) Leave break room and take a leak

4) Return to break room and retrieve Hot Pocket(R)

Mundane, yes? Nothing special happening here, right? That's where you'd be wrong. By the time I return to the break room from the the bathroom, the microwave will read, WITHOUT FAIL, between 18 and 22 seconds left.

This routine, with all the variables (how fast I walk, how much I need to piss, people I might bump into along the way, etc), takes 1 minute and 40 seconds with an error rate of -2/+2 seconds. That's pretty damn good if you ask me.

The Balding Truth

So, I was watching a video today and the pre-roll ad was for some hair restoration product/service (don't recall which). At some point, one of the testimonials was all about how much more confidence this guy had now that he wasn't balding. And I'm all like... you really rely on your hair to instill confidence? Perhaps it's just me, but I've never understood what was so terrible about balding.

Actually, I've always relished the thought of a receding hairline (sadly, the general consensus is that those genes passed me over). Sure, I've always hated my hair and the fuss that must be made over it so it doesn't look stupid, but I've always thought of bald as being both bad ass and/or dignified.

Don't share that mindset? Let's look at some examples:

Make it so!

This guy has made his career out of being bald...

Yipee-ki-yay

...and Mr. Willis here has proven that you can still be bad ass without hair (even if you make a shitty movie based upon a complete lack of knowledge of computers).

My only guess as to the negative imagery would probably be people who went bald, tried to correct it and failed:

I demand your hair show it's birth certificate!

My answer: just shave your head and stop worrying about it. Certainly don't go basing all your confidence on its existence.

Now, that beer belly is something different...

Lunchtime Ponderings - Dirty Windows

I was on a journey through downtown, returning from the library where I had hoped to temporarily acquire some Death Note manga. As I was walking, I noticed somebody washing the outside windows of a building. I immediately heard an oft used phrase of my parents: "Keep your face/hands off the glass, somebody has to come along and clean those." That's when it hit me: this adage doesn't really hold any water. Why?

Those windows are going to be washed regardless of child prints on them. The dirt and grime that accumulate from dust or the elements far outweighs in terms of amount and regularity anything my greasy kid hands could leave behind. And even if these were not a factor, these panes would be cleaned anyways just because of general routine.

Nice try, parental units.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some shop windows to lick.

Lunchtime Thoughts - A Christmas Carol is the Perfection of INCEPTION

I was watching a Christmas Carol with my family the other night (the Patrick Stewart version for those curious) and I came across an interesting realization: Scrooge is experiencing Inception. Let's suspend our disbelief for a second.

Requirements for Inception - As the movie states, the dreamer must be three layers deep for Inception to work. This requirement is met if one considers each ghost of Christmas it's own layer (past, present, future). Of course, this requires a particular level of sedation. Scrooge complains of indigestion, so his food could easily have been drugged. By whom? Marley, of course. His ghostly face appeared on the knocker of Scrooge's house, so we know he'd already been there.

The time required - At the end of the story, Scrooge is surprised that the spirits managed to do everything in one night. He easily satisfies that thought with a "Oh, they're spirits. They can do whatever they like." Inception tells us that a dream is several times faster than real time and each level of dream adds to that. This allows for an exponential amount of time especially as Scrooge was three layers in.

The setup - Everything up till now is good, but here's where things get tricky. One would think that the layers of dreaming would go in the order presented in the story: past, preset, future. However, careful observation of the time each layer tells us that the opposite is true. Past takes the longest, so it has to be the last level of dream with present and future going up the chain. There is a complication that this brings: in future (first layer of dream) Scrooge remembers present and past. There are two possible explanations:

1. Most probable - Scrooge, upon entering the future, is immediately put to sleep. Upon entering in present, the same happens. This kicks him automatically to the third layer where everything can play out working backwards.

2. Scrooge is actually experiencing all three dreams at the same time, each layer's experiences adding to the previous in real time. Since the bottom layers play out much faster then the previous, all the information required would be in place for the story to play out as seen.

Whodunnit? - Given we assume all of the above is true, who is the person that started the whole thing? Who is the architect. A simple question - Jacob Marley. He's already a ghost, let's face it, but his closeness to Scrooge puts him at an advantage to know all the key points to hit upon.

So, there you have it. It seems Christopher Nolan's seemingly original idea was actually conceived by literary genius Charles Dickens in the 19th century.

Or perhaps I just have too much time on my hands...

Crayon vs SyFy CGI

Received this message on Facebook from a buddy of mine today:

Did you see (and I am NOT making this up) OCTOSHARK on SCI-FI last night. I mean the (so called) special effects were anything but! You with a crayon and a piece of paper drawing the title creature could have made a scarier one.

I'm never one to turn down a challenge like that, so I give you the terror of the deep, Sharktopus!

Dawwww....

Trailer for the horror in question can be seen here.