It is that time of year again as so can be plainly seen by the appearance of Vulgar Santa on my site. So, given the spirit of the season, I shell delve into Christmas related subject. Today, I will be violently tearing apart a Christmas song (no, not the Nat King Cole one).

On the whole, I enjoy Christmas music. Arguably, I don't quite as much now as I did in my younger years, but it still is an important part of the season. There are, however, some songs I cannot stand. The Christmas Shoes ranks pretty high on that list, for example. And, of course, let us not forget songs about attempted Christmas date rape. Not to mention that song that ISN'T EVEN A FUCKING CHRISTMAS SONG!!!

Sorry, that one always hits a nerve.

Today, however, I will discuss Do You Hear What I Hear?. Aside from being incredibly repetitive and musically blah, the lyrics (when over-analysed) make about as much sense as mayonnaise taking a brisk vacation on the shores of Hawaii. So, let's begin!

Said the night wind to the little lamb Because air particles can talk and animals comprehend their mutterings. I'll let this one slide because I watch shows where humans can replace other humans extremities.

A star passing in the night with a tail as big as a kite Multiple things going wrong here. Firstly, stars don't have tails. Those are comets (I will also allow meteors). Secondly, should that be "a tail as big as a kite's" comparing the tails of both objects, or are we actually comparing the tail of the "star" to the body of the kite? Because kites are not that large and I am left unimpressed.

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy Why the hell not? The lamb is already getting its daily news from the wind...

With a voice as big as the sea Another sad comparison here. You can't compare physical size with perceived volume. They are on two totally different scales. I was actually going to try and figure out what this would equate to in decibels given the size of some sea, but quit when I realized the answer would regardless blow out your eardrums. You can amazingly fix this lyric by changing out the word "big" for "loud". Not only does it still fit the rhythm of the song, but now it makes sense!

A child shivers in the cold, let us bring him silver and gold You know... I can (almost) appreciate the thought here. But, how about bringing a more immediately solution... like maybe a goddamn blanket. We've established that poor baby Jesus is freezing his buns off so, obviously, the solution is to bring him cold metal. It'd be a shame if he were to die of hypothermia before he can enjoy those precious metals. Luckily, he's Jesus and will forgive your stupidity.

The king's declaration to the "people everywhere" In a nutshell, this lyric has the kind from the previous stanza declaring to his subjects that Jesus is going to save the world.

Well, let's think about this for a second. Wasn't Herod king at this point? Wasn't his first act upon hearing about Jesus to slaughter all male children up to the age of two? Isn't turning this blind eye towards history the same thing as the holocaust deniers? And yet this song is not only accepted, but no doubt sang in buildings of worship. Amazing.

Before you get all pissed off writing a nasty comment about how I "don't get it," I do understand the intention of the song. I'm just a snarky asshole and that's how I roll.

Later, bitches :D