Matt Hackmann

MattHackmann

The thoughts and goings-on of some programmer dad.

Why Write What's Already Been Filmed

Due to a bout of crazy sleep, I missed yesterday. Whatever, MOM!

This Sunday, I'll be flying back out to Florida to encourage the fresh minds at my alma mater that working at LinkedIn is pretty cool and a thing they should do. Part of that encouragement is in the form of a presentation I must give. A part of that presentation is an introduction of myself. I've gone through a couple revisions, based off of feedback from the good folks organizing the effort, but it's been mixed. Say more about yourself and your journey and less about LinkedIn. Oh, now say a bit less. It's slightly maddening.

But, I don't really need to do any of this. After all, it's all been done before...

youtube video

The Gunstick Maker

War.

It was a thing despised by most, and rightfully so. Very little good generally came of war; death, destruction, and various other negative words in the same vein. But, to Edgar Smith, war was a thing to be embraced, welcomed into the home like a friend not seen in a long time.

Because war meant business.

Even from a young age, Edgar had always show an interest in black smithing. Perhaps it was destiny, his last being Smith after all. He'd apprenticed under Old Man Jenkins through his adolescence and opened his own shop at seventeen, a thing that even the most experienced men in the field could not brag. From his shop came the most incredible items the town had seen, everything from chairs to wall lamps. Life was good and business thrived.

And then the South decided that owning slaves was something to fight over and war broke out.

If business was good before, it was great now. Orders were coming in by the horse load. Muskets needed to be made, and bullets to go with them. Horses needed shoes and wagons needed wheels. Overnight, Edgar went from modest silverware maker to rich arms dealer. He didn't care what side came to him, either; their money was good anywhere. Yes, the hours grew longer, but so did the piles of cash and even when a ship date slipped, he didn't worry. He crafted the most reliable guns in America and that was something that customers would wait an extra day or two for.

Life was good and it was only getting better.

Late one evening, there was a loud knock at Edgar's shop door. Startled, he whirled around but never even had the chance to open it.

He was dead.

Run through by a gunstick he'd been pleasuring himself in the ass with.

Even more screenplays

I was going to make a post going over statistics of the redditbooru CDN (I myself am not aware of the numbers), but seeing as how awstats is still churning through my 1GB log file and I need to be at the theater in half an hour if I want to see Gravity, you'll have to settle for another screenplay I wrote ten years ago.

RANGER BOB

EXT. FOREST - DAY

Two KIDS are throwing rocks into a lake when RANGER BOB steps out from behind some trees

RANGER BOB
Hey, you! Throwing objects into the lake is against
park rules!

KID1
Yeah, so what are you going to do about it?

Ranger Bob pushes both kids into the lake

KID2
Hey! I thought you couldn't throw things into the lake

RANGER BOB
I didn't throw you, I pushed you

Ranger Bob walks off as kids stare at him Some people are eating when Ranger Bob approaches

RANGER BOB
I'm sorry, but the park calorie limit is 500. Eating that
will exceed the limit. I'm afraid I'll have to take it.

Ranger Bob grabs food and walks off eating it humming

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

Two kids are around a camp fire telling ghost stories Next to them is a sign that reads "No campfires beyond this point" and a line is marked.

KID1
And then he rose out of the darkness and said…

Shadow of Ranger Bob rises behind Kid1

RANGER BOB
This campfire is illegal.


KID2
No it ain't! We're not over the border.

Ranger Bob leans of and blows the fire so the flames are over the line

RANGER BOB
I'm afraid I'm going to have to write you two up.

Ranger Bob walks off

KID1
Jerk!

Ranger Bob is in front of a sunset

ANNOUNCER
Ranger Bob, the supreme symbol of national park authority.

Kid comes skipping across the scene and Ranger Bob runs after him

RANGER BOB
Hey you

THE END

One Man's Mission for a Burrito

The title's a joke because the burrito place was on 24th and Mission in the Mission district. I'M CLEVER~!

On Boat Day(TM), aka the day where I was drunk for ~14 hours straight, the finale of the evening was at some shady looking Mexican restaurant in a part of San Francisco I was unfamiliar with. Not that I would've known where I was anyways, I had just had something called an "Aviator" (it was alright, iirc). But while I was there, I had quite possibly the most delicious hunk of Americanized Mexican food of all time. Today - utilizing all my available means of free transportation - I sought that place back out, a certain El Farolito, to see if it was just the drunkenness or if it really was that good. I took the scenic route getting there, so begins my visual tale.

And so, after much trekking and a lot of cursing the people who built their city on a fucking cliff, I arrived at the promised land. And let me tell you, that burrito was just as awesome as I was hoping it'd be. And super cheap too, only ~$7 for the burrito and a Sprite.

I debated at this point whether I should literally walk the ten steps down to BART for my return trip or walk back home and attempt to exercise off the guilt. I chose the latter and I'm kind of glad I did. I didn't realize it on the initial part of the trip, but I'd had my back to the bay the entire time. So as I summited the last hill, I was greeted with a rather picturesque sight.

San Francisco is run down, shit covered, piss scented, creepy bitch of a city, but if you find the right spots, it can be downright beautiful. Still...

Before J.J. Abrams, I was going to make Star Wars VII

Fresh out of things to post about, I decided to poke around the darker regions of my backup drive in search of some old material I could use. Apparently, my debut into Star Wars fanfic was not with homoeroticism, but an old screenplay for a Star Wars film I wanted to make somewhere in the early 2000s. Actually, I have an old blog post that mentions it. Still, it turns out that this is a complete thing which I don't honestly remember doing.

READ IT NOW

On the whole, the level of writing is above what I would have expected of myself at the time, but is entirely juvenile... sad considering I was 16 or 17 years old. It's full of references to other things both Star Wars and not, a typical naive fanfic trope. Still, the Calvin and Hobbes reference got a good chuckle out of me and, while silly, there were a couple of jokes that made me smirk. Not to say that any of this is good, it's completely shitty, but I can derive joy in that shittiness. Some, anyways. It's obvious I was living out some sort of fantasy through Jacen, [one of] the character[s] I was going to play, which is mildly disconcerting.

How I thought I was going to film this with no budget, no equipment, no software, and three actors (myself included), I don't know. Didn't stop me from rendering up some 3D stuff.

Sadly (or perhaps, fortunately), that has all been lost to the annals of time.