In re-writing this blog, I spend a lot if time reading old entries. I've done this before, but I was looking for something more particular this time around. As mentioned, I'm in therapy and introspection is high on my mental processes, so I was trying to identify if there was any particular point where things seemed to change. Indeed, there was a general trend of increasing self-deprecation, but through all that, I began to notice a particular mentality.
I needed to do a lot of things.
Needing to draw more. Needing to post more. Needing to bike more. The list goes on.
These aren't things I need to do. These are things I want to do. Nobody's demanding these things of me beyond myself. The things I actually need to do are quite few: eat and breathe. Everything else is some sort of societal standard or internal pressure.
In telling myself that I need to do these things, I mentally set myself up for bigger disappointment when they invariably don't get accomplished. Part of that ties into the Three Ps mentioned in my mom's post, namely the need for that thing to be perfect, procratinating until the stars align, and being ultimately paralyzed from doing anything at all. That right there is the reason my YouTube channel dreams are on hold while I wait for my garage to be done but that doesn't get done because it needs to be of a certain level of good.
It's time to stop needing to do things and doing them because I want to. And if it doesn't happen, well... maybe there's a reason.
I need to stop worrying so goddamn much is what I need to do...